Thursday, December 16, 2004

Realiticomm Epsisode 2

Realiticomm – Episode Two

Dr. D. Sterling Benchmarque, III is one of MegaloCorp’s PR Consultants. They usually keep several around to cancel each other out.

"Stir." Has a deep radio voice. Drives a 1988 Cadillac Allante. Say's "I'm your 'idea' guy. Often wears shell necklaces and chokers with Aloha shirts buttoned halfway. His undergraduate degree is from SUNY New Paltz. Masters in organizational management of systematic models from Mercyhurst University in Erie. Doctorate in Education from University of Maine at Fort Kent. Has "authored" six books: "Interpreting Cloud Formations for Organizational
Effectiveness;" "Revisionist Corporate Culture Germination;" "Coming of Age in the New Age Business Environment." His doctoral thesis was “Employment of Bio-Social Theory and Dialectical Behavior Therapy techniques to impact emotions, relationships, behavior, and cognition of targeted consumer markets.” Best known for his analysis that showed that the Snail Darter population in the Tennessee Valley Watershed was contributing to birth defects, bad teeth and inbreeding.


Stir (Dr. D. Sterling Benchmarque, III, PR Consultant): You know, Tad, I can make you look like a real visionary. We collaborate on a book, and you’ll dazzle ‘em. You’ll be on every talk show.

Tad Offal (MegaloCorp CEO): Think so?

Stir: Oprah. Good Morning America. Today Show. Leno.

Tad: No way.

Stir: Way

Tad: This is about positioning yourself, my friend. Look at your peers. They all have big jobs. They all have advanced degrees. They’re all on the boards of big charities. Right?

Tad: Right.

Stir: But they haven’t written a book. You…you need to write a book.

Tad: What would I write about? I mean, I have to have something to write about, don’t I?

Stir: (Waves his hands dismissively.) Nah. Not really. I mean, you can write about anything. Even better, you can write about nothing. I’ve done that a couple of times. Nobody says your wrong about what you say because you aren’t saying anything. This is the trick. It’s brilliant. It can’t fail. And you are a published author. People will line up to get you to sign your book just because your name is on the cover.

Tad: What about my picture?

Stir: That, too. Your picture, and your name in big letters. What you talk about, write about, is largely irrelevant. Fact is your doing it. People respect that. You think people read all those self-help and business books out there? No way. But they buy ‘em. And if they know the guy, or met the buy, or got the guy to sign the damn thing they’ll buy a half a dozen.

Tad: Okay. So, I still have to have a subject, don’t I?

Stir: Not to worry. Listen, there must be something you like, right? A pastime, a hobby? Something you like to do.

Tad: I dunno. You want some coffee?

Stir: Yeah. Two creams. Three sugars.

Tad: (Calls out to secretary in outer office) Honey, two cups of coffee please. Stir takes his …

Sally Forth (Tad’s executive secretary): Two creams. Three sugars.

Stir: So, like was sayin’. What flips your switch?

Tad: Stir, you know the answer to that. I like beating you ass on the golf course. I like have a nice short term affair when I’m on the road. And I enjoy a nice single malt scotch.

Stir: That’s not what I meant. Wait, maybe it is. You can write a book like Business is like the Golf Course.” Except a million people have already written that book. Hell, I was staring up into the sky and watching the clouds turn into different shapes and wrote a book about. A freaking book about clouds, Tad. See what I mean?

Tad: A book about clouds?

Stir: I’ve "authored" six books, plus a bunch of magazine articles, including "Interpreting Cloud Formations for Organizational Effectiveness;" "Revisionist Corporate Culture Germination;" "Coming of Age in the New Age Business Environment." I could go on.

Tad: What are they about?

Stir: What difference does that make? The important thing is that I wrote something. I think you should, too. And I’m the guy to help you make it happen.

Tad: You really think so.

Stir: It’s what I do.

Tad: A book?

Stir: Yessir. A book. Gotta have a book. Publish or perish.

*****

Genevieve: Let’s finish off the list of donated items so we can start packing them a get them ready for distribution. We have 200 tubes of Sun-Enhancer cocoa butter. 240 K-ROX bumper stickers. 112 eye shades from TWA Airlines.

Sid: Didn’t they go out of business?

Noreen: Say, that will make them collectors items. Won’t our homeless people be pleased about that!

Bea: That’s so nice.

Genevieve: And we have 167 Laker Airways pilots wings.

Moxie: Genevieve, how's it going?

Genevieve: Hello, Moxie. We sure have some great donations for our gift baskets for the homeless. We were just going over the list.

[Genevieve passes spreadsheet to Moxie.]

Moxie: Bee pollen capsules? Sample-size fabric softeners? Molly McButter? Eye shades? You got to be kidding?

Genevieve: No, Moxie, this is for real. This is so great, isn’t it?

Moxie: Don’t you think homeless people want something to eat or drink, or to wear, or to keep them dry or warm?

Genevieve: Oh. Well you can eat Molly McButter.

Noreen: I’ve heard that cocoa butter is edible.

Moxie: I can’t believe this.

Sid: She’s testy today, isn’t she? Hey, did you hear about the baby seal who walks into a bar?

Genevieve: No.

Sid: Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" and the baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian club."

*****

Moxie: Smidgen. Call Sally and see if I can get in to see Mr. Offal. I need to see him right away.

Smidgen: Sure. Are you tired? You look tired.

Moxie: Thanks, Smidge. Is it hot in here?

Smidgen: Sally says to come up now and she can get you in.

Penny: What’s that song you’re playing?

Smidgen: [Srunches her face and plays rock star)

“Some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain”

Penny: Yeah. Who’s that?

Smidgen: Butthole Surfers.


*****

Tad: I thought you would be delighted that we’re finally doing some of that “community relations” you are always talking about.

Moxie: Yes, Tad, I am. I completely agree with the company reaching out to the community. But we’re going about this the wrong way. This fiasco was handed off to me. From HR. It was planned by one of the Employee Process Action Teams. I had nothing to do with the planning.

Tad: Maybe you’re just ticked that Clifton Homestead is the guy who got this project moving.

Moxie: No, Tad. That’s not the case at all. Don’t even think that. But do you know what we’re giving to these street people?

Tad: Sure. They’ve got nothing…

Moxie: Suntan lotion. Contact lens cleaning solution.

Tad: …We’re giving them something…

Moxie: Bee pollen capsules. Coupons for Viagra.

Tad: Sounds like something to me. Something beats nothing.

Moxie: These items don’t help a homeless person. If we really have compassion we would be giving them blankets, jackets, soap and toothbrushes, socks and underwear…

Tad: I don’t want to be getting into their unmentionables.

Moxie: We should give them bottled water, or plastic sheeting they could use for shelter. I mean, did we ask anyone out in the community what would be useful, beneficial, desireable?

Tad says nothing.

Moxie: You know, Tad. This could backfire. This could make us look bad.

Tad: I’m thinking of writing a book?

Moxie: What?

Tad: A book. You know, so I can become a published author.

Moxie: A book about what?

Tad: I don’t know. I was hoping you could help me with that.

*****

Genevieve: Sid, it was a goofd idea to use these plastic bags instead of actual baskets.

Noreen: That happy face just brightens my day, you know?

Genevieve: Okay, we’re out of the bee pollen. Let’s start putting some of those post-it notes in the rest of these bags. We’re almost done. Just take whatever you’ve got and fill these bags over here and we’ll be all done.

Sid: I can fit about 40 bags in each of these boxes. So ten of these shipping boxes will take care of the total of 400 gift baskets.

Genevieve: Bea, did you call Red Kettle? What did they say?

Bea: They asked me what we were putting in the baskets.

Genevieve: What did you tell them?

Bea: Stuff. Good stuff.

Genevieve: When are they coming to get them?

Bea: Well, they don’t have time to collect the baskets and distribute them for us. So they want us to do it ourselves.

Genevieve: Well, that’s a wrinkle in our plan. I guess we can take them out and find out where the homeless people live and drop them off.

Sid: I’ll bring the camera and we’ll get some shots of Tad handing them out to the needy. If Tad can't go, whoever. Maybe you Genevieve.

Genevieve: Where should we take them?

Noreen: We should start with that underpass by the interstate, over by the river and the railroad tracks. I’ve seen lots of people that look like they’re living in boxes there.

Genevieve: Good idea.

Sid: This works out better. Won’t have some Red kettle guy with a bell and a Santa hat getting all the glory.

Noreen: Look what I found, a big bag of Pizza Hut refrigerator magnets.

Bea: That’s nice. Some of them live in refrigerators.

***

Penny Stock (communication specialist): What are you listening to, Smidge?

Smidgen: Green Day.

Penny: The new one?

Smidgen: American idiot.

Penny: Oh, I like that CD.

Smidgen: Is that a new necklace?

Penny: This is pretty cool. It’s rawhide with turquoise and silver.

Smidgen: It looks good on you. Where did you get it?

Penny: At the mall, of course. That little stand next to the Cinnabon place. Hey, are you still going out with William from the bank?

Smidgen: No, I don’t think so. He was nice, and all. But, I don’t think he’s my type.

Penny: He was cute. Nice body. But...

Smidgen: Yeah. But…

Penny: Right…but…

Penny: Hey, look at this. It’s “Girls Gone Wild” night at the Dead End Club on Friday. We should go.

Smidgen: Maybe. You could meet that guy I told you about in your horoscope.

Penny: And you could meet yours. The one you will reveal a deep dark secret to.

Moxie: Here’s an invitation to a meeting on company reorganization. Guess Moxie will have to go to that.

Penny: We still come under Corporate Counsel don’t we?

Smidgen: Yes. For now. Always subject to change.

Penny: Hey, are the 2005 calendars back from the printer yet?

Smidgen: I’ll have to ask Atlee when he gets in. Hi, Jimmy!

Jimmy (James Bottsweep, the janitor): Morning ladies.

Smidgen: Jimmy, I have a Hershey’s Kiss for you. And two empty returnable bottles.

Jimmy: Awh, Smidgen. You just the most thoughtful person. They 'a special place in heaven for you.

*****

Moxie: This is Moxie.

Charlotte: Hello, Maria, this is Charlotte Webb. I’m a graphic designer who has been doing some freelance work for you and Hillary Cribb, your web person.

Moxie: Right. I remember. You did. I evealutated your work and helped make the selection to have you do our Intranet.

Charlotte: I’ve sent several invoices to Hillary. But I haven’t been paid. The work was completed back in May. So this account is overdue. Hillary has not responded to my e-mails. I called Finance and they say that they don’t have the invoice. In fact I’ve sent it to them, but they say Hillary has to sign off on the job and approve the payment.

Moxie: Well, Hillary used to be part of Corporate Communication, but now Web Services is its own department. But I’ll talk to her. I’ll see what I can do. You should be paid.

Charlotte. Thanks, Maria. I appreciate you looking into this.


*****

Moxie: Hillary, I got a call from Charlotte Webb, the freelancer who did some web design work for us last spring.

Hillary Cribb (the MegaloCorp Director of New Media): Me, Mox. She did it for me, not we.

Moxie: She says she hasn’t been paid.

Hillary: And that impacts on you how?

Moxie: Hillary, come on. She worked for us. We gave her a job to build some pages for our intranet. She did that. She expects to get paid.

Hillary: It’s my intranet, first of all. This is my problem, not yours.

Moxie: You may be your own little department now, but you were part of this department when we signed the work order, and you begged me to sign it. So, I did. And the work was done. And now it needs to be paid. That’s how it works.

Hillary: Well, I really don’t like the work she did.

Moxie: That’s not relevant. You owe her the money.

Hillary: It’s not functional the way I wanted it.

Moxie: Did you give her specs on the job?

Hillary: Yes, but the job got more complicated.

Moxie: Did you amend the work order to add more functionality?

Hillary: Listen. I don’t really like the pages. I expected more.

Moxie: The company’s business reputation is at stake. You don’t going around stiffing contractors because you decide later you wanted something else…

Hillary: Don’t lecture me.

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