Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Realiticomm Episode # 3

This is the third installment. For best results, read previous episodes first.

Moxie: The year’s closing out, and that means we need to get started on the annual report. I’ll be assigning a writer to help with Tad’s [Tad Offal, MegaloCorp CEO] comments and some of the verbiage. We’ll need the financials as soon as…

William Earnest (MegaloCorp CFO): That won’t be necessary.

Moxie: I was going to put…

William: That won’t be necessary.

Moxie: [Stares at William.]

William: We’ll take care of the annual report.

Moxie: Bill, this is my job. I do the annual report. I get the financials from you.

William: Well, we need to be very careful with our numbers this year.

Moxie: Bill, I know this hasn’t been our best year…

William: Right, so we’ll need to keep a cap on that.

Moxie: A cap?

William: A lid.

Moxie: What are you saying?

William: We’re going to hold off on releasing any of our financial data. We think that’s best.

Moxie: That’s not right, Bill. We have an obligation to put forward our honest financials.

William: Moxie, I want to make this clear. The numbers are not good. We think it’s best if we are not too public about the financials.

Moxie: We have to put out an annual report. We’re a publicly traded company.

William: [Says nothing.]

Moxie: Bill, this is wrong. You can’t sit on the data just because it doesn’t look good.

William: [Says nothing.]

Moxie: Bill, I need the financials as soon as they are available. I’m going ahead with my work on the annual report.


Genevieve: Okay, Sid. Is the vehicle all loaded up?

Sid: Yep. It’s down by the front entrance. I left it running so it will stay warm. Who is coming?

Genevieve: You and me, and Noreen and Bea.

Sid: Is Noreen meeting us here or down at the van?

Genevieve: I don’t know. Smidgen, can you call Bea and see if she’s coming with us?

Sid: I’ve got the camera. I sent e-mails to the media outlets in town but I didn’t get any interest in our photo ops. I guess I can see what we get and push them a photo with an expanded cutline.

Smidgen: Bea will meet you at the main entrance in two minutes.

Noreen: [Adjusts coat, which activates Christmas pin on her sweater that plays “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.”]

Genevieve: That’s a cute song.

Noreen. I just love Burl Ives. It’s the best Christmas carol, don’t you think? Don’t you think that, Smidgin?Smidgin: I’d have to say Run DMC did the best Christmas song. You know the one I’m talking about, Penny?

Smidgin and Penny stand up and chant:

Give up the dough!
Give up the dough!
Give up the dough on Xmas yo!

Give up the dough!
Give up the dough!
Give up the dough
(Here we go, here we go!)

Penny: (Laughs.) Now that’s a traditional Christmas carol!

Noreen: [Looks hurt. She pushes the button on her pin and “Holly Jolly Christmas” plays again.] It’s not Burl Ives. Burl Ives IS Christmas.

Sid: Hey, Penny. You look especially blonde today.

Penny: I don’t know how to respond to that, Sid.

Sid: No, I can see that you wouldn’t.

Penny: Sid, why are blonde jokes so short?

Sid: Why’s that?

Penny: So men can remember them.


Moxie: [At Starbucks with her friend, Carole Singer, who is a VP with an advertising agency in town.]

Carole: I think Tad is cute.

Moxie: He’s married.

Carole: So?

Moxie: Come on. Get real.

Carole: I bet he messes around.

Moxie: I don’t know. I don’t mix my personal life with my work life. You might try that yourself.

Carole: Ouch. And touché. But seriously, Mox. Imagine, you could wrap him around your little bitty fingers.

Moxie: That’s not what I’m after.

Carole: Well, do something to make him really need you, rely on you.

Moxie: He’s writing a book.

Carole: A book?

Moxie: I asked him what it was about and he said he didn’t know. Then he asked me if I could help him come up with an idea.

Carole: Where did that come from, outer space?

Moxie: Really. I mean, I was talking to him about something important and he launches off into this book idea. I know he was talking about Sterling Benchmarque.

Carole: Oh, that explains it. That notorious phony. “Doctor” Sterling Benchmarque.

Carole and Moxie say in unison: “The Third.”

Moxie: Sterling has been saying that Tad should write a book to raise his profile.

Carole: About what?

Moxie: That’s the point. Sterling’s books are way out there. Gibberish. But the talk show people foam all over him. I’ll be that’s what he’s filling Tad with.

Carole: Foam?

Moxie: Maybe I should come up with some bogus ideas for Tad’s book to see if he follows up.

Carole: Oooo. I like it. You are sneaky.


Ruby [Ruby Rapicault, front desk “knows-everyone” busy-body receptionist.]: Hello, Abelia. You look lovely, girl. I like that Christmas bow in your hair.

Bea: Thank you, Ruby.

Ruby: And look at you, Noreen, honey. I love that red outfit. Red sweater, red slacks. You red all over, honey!

Noreen: You look festive, yourself, Ruby. Don’t you love Christmas?

Ruby: I got Christmas carols playing in my ear.

Noreen: Listen to this. [Activates her “Holly Jolly Christmas” pin.]

Bea: Isn’t that nice?

Ruby: Oh, Noreen, you sure know how to accessorize. Genevieve, where is your Christmas spirit, honey?

Genevieve: What?

Ruby: You look like somebody died. You all in black. Come on, brighten it up.

Sid: Ladies, I was saving my surprise. But this seems like a good time. [Sid produces Santa hats for Noreen and Genevieve, and puts one on himself.] Sorry, Ruby. This last one’s for Bea.

Ruby: She’s already out in the van. Where you off to?

Genevieve: We’re going to spread some holiday cheer. You want to come with us?

Ruby: Oh no, I got some of that right here in my bottom drawer.


Sid: [Sid is driving.] Okay, if we’re all buckled up we’ll shove off. Anybody know where we’re going?

Noreen: I got lost down there once.

Genevieve: I think if we head towards the interchange, and take the service road off towards the landfill and those big parking lots where all those old trucks are parked, we can go down there and follow the river to the underpass.

Bea: I don’t recognize anything here.

Noreen: They’ll sure be happy when they get our goodies. [Noreen inadvertently activates her “Holly Jolly Christmas” pin.]

Bea: [Smiles at Noreen.] That’s nice.

Noreen: Burl Ives.

Sid: Hold on, it’s gonna get bumpy.

Genevieve: Cut through those Jersey barriers there. See, where there’s an opening? It looks like we can head over towards those big bridges. There might be people living underneath.

Noreen: Look, there’s a path through those weeds.

Bea: What a dump.

Genevieve. There. Go through over there. Look. It looks like some boxes and stuff over by those bridge abutments.

Noreen: Look! A smashed up shopping cart. We must be getting close! Oh, I can hardly wait to see their faces.

Sid: I see it. I’m on it.

Genevieve: Pull over by those boxes there.

Sid: [Stops van by several boxes placed together to create some kind of shelter.] I see some feet sticking out of the bottom of this one here. [Sid gets out of the van. Walks over to the feet and nudges them.] Yo, hello. You in there?

Genevieve: Of course he’s in there, Sid. [Mutters “that’s a stupid question,” or words to that effect.]

Sid: Hey, we got something for you here.

Bea: I don’t see anyone else.

Noreen: This place gives me the creeps. [Her “Holly Jolly Christmas” pin starts singing again.”

Sid: You were expecting maybe Bedford Falls? [Nudges the feet again] Hey you! Wake up! We got something for you!

Bea: Maybe he’s deaf?

Noreen: Maybe he’s dead.

Sid: Great. That would be our luck. We go to all this trouble to spread some holiday cheer to the homeless and the first bum we come to is on ice.

Bea: Maybe he’d like some hot cocoa?


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October 21, 2005 at 3:18 PM  

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